The Puddleford Papers; Or, Humors of the West Read online

  CONTENTS.

  CHAPTER I. PAGE

  Puddleford.--Eagle Tavern.--Mr. and Mrs. Bulliphant.--May Morning.--Birds.--Venison Styles.--General Character of Society.--The Colonel.--Venison Styles's Cabin. 17

  CHAPTER II.

  Lawsuit: Filkins against Beadle.--Squire Longbow and his Court.--Puddleford assembled.--Why Squire Longbow was a Great Man.--Ike Turtle and Sile Bates, Pettifoggers.--Mrs. Sonora Brown.--Uproar and Legal Opinions.--Seth Bolles.--Miss Eunice Grimes.--Argument to Jury, and Verdict. 34

  CHAPTER III.

  Wanderings in the Wilderness.--A Bee-Hunt.--Sunrise.--The Fox-Squirrel.--The Blue-Jay.--The Gopher.--The Partridges.--Wild Geese, Ducks, and Cranes.--Blackbirds and Meadow-Larks.--Venison's Account of the Bees' Domestic Economy.--How Venison found what he was in Search of.--Honey secured.--After-Reflections. 54

  CHAPTER IV.

  The Log-Chapel.--Father Beals.--Aunt Graves.--Sister Abigail.--Bigelow Van Slyck, the Preacher.--His Entree.--How he worked.--One of his Sermons.--Performance of the Choir.--"Coronation" achieved.--Getting into Position.--Personal Appeals.--Effect on the Congregation.--Sabbath in the Wilderness.--Is Bigelow the only Ridiculous Preacher? 66

  CHAPTER V.

  Indian Summer.--Venison Styles again.--Jim Buzzard.--Fishing Excursion.--Muskrat City.--Indian Burying-Ground.--The Pickerel and the Rest of the Fishes.--The Prairie.--Wild Geese.--The Old Mound.--Venison's Regrets at the degenerating Times.--His Luck, and Mine.--Reminiscences of the Beavers.--Camping out.--Safe Return. 81

  CHAPTER VI.

  Educational Efforts.--Squire Longbow's "Notis."--"The Saterday Nite."--Ike and the Squire.--Various Remarks to the Point.--Mrs. Fizzle and the Temperance Question.--Collection taken.--General Result. 96

  CHAPTER VII.

  Social War.--Longbow, Turtle & Co.--Bird, Swipes, Beagle & Co.--Mrs. Bird.--Mrs. Beagle.--Mrs. Swipes.--Turkey and Aristocracy.--Scandal.--Husking-Bees, and "such like."--The Calathumpian Band.--The Horse-Fiddle.--The Giant Trombone.--The Gyastacutas.--Tuning up.--Unparalleled Effort.--Puddleford still a Representative Place. 105

  CHAPTER VIII.

  Puddleford and Politics.--Higgins against Wiggins.--The Candidates' Personale.--Their Platforms.--Delicate Questions.--Stump Speaking.--Wiggins on Higgins.--Impertinent Interruptions.--Higgins on Wiggins.--Ike Turtle not dead yet.--Commotion.--Squire Longbow restores Order.--Grand Stroke of Policy.--The Roast Ox at Gillett's Corners. 115

  CHAPTER IX.

  Winter upon us.--The Roosters in the early Morning.--The Blue-Jays and the Squirrels.--The Improvident Turkey.--The Domestic Hearth, and who occupied it.--The Old Dog.--The Blessed Old Mail-Horse.--The Newspapers.--Our Come-to-Tea.--Mrs. Brown, her Arrival and Experiences.--Entree of Bird, Beagles & Co.--Conflicting Elements, and how Ike Turtle assimilated all.--Gratifying Consequences. 128

  CHAPTER X.

  Mrs. Longbow taken sick.--General Interest.--Dr. Teazle.--His Visit.--"The Rattles."--Scientific Diagnosis.--A Prescription.--Short and Dr. Dobbs.--"Pantod of the Heart."--Dismissal of Teazle.--Installation of Dobbs.--"Scyller and Chara_bi_des."--Ike's Views.--The Colonel's.--Bates's.--Mrs. Longbow dies.--Who killed her: conflicting Opinions.--Her Funeral.--Bigelow Van Slyck's Sermon.--Interment. 148

  CHAPTER XI.

  Squire Longbow in Mourning.--The Great Question.--Aunt Sonora's Opinion.--Other People's.--The Squire goes to Church.--His Appearance on that Occasion.--Aunt Graves, and her Extra Performance.--"Nux Vomica."--Anxious Mothers.--Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.--Sister Abigail.--Ike Turtle, and his Designs.--He calls on Aunt Graves.--She'll go it.--Sister Abigail's Objection.--The Squire's First Love Letter.--The Wedding.--Great Getting-up.--Turtle's Examination.--The Squire runs the Risk of "the Staterts."--Bigelow's Ceremony.--General Break-Down.--Not _very_ Drunk. 156

  CHAPTER XII.

  The Group at "The Eagle."--Entree of a Stranger.--His Opinion of the Tavern.--Bulliphant wakes up.--Can't pick Fowls after Dark.--Sad Case of Mother Gantlet and Dr. Teazle.--Mr. Farindale begins to unbend.--Whistle & Sharp, and their Attorney.--Good Pay.--Legal Conversation.--Going Sniping.--Great Description of the Animal.--The Party start, Farindale holding the Bag.--"Waiting for Snipe."--Farindale's Solitary Return.--His Interview with Whistle & Sharp.--Suing a Puddleford Firm.--Relief Laws.--Farindale gets his Execution.--The Puddleford Bank.--The Appraisers.--Proceeds of the Execution. 166

  CHAPTER XIII.

  The "Fev-Nag."--Conflicting Theories.--"Oxergin and Hydergin."--Teazle's Rationale.--The Scourge of the West.--Sile Bates, and his Condition.--Squire Longbow and Jim Buzzard.--Puddleford prostrate.--Various Practitioners.--"The Billerous Duck."--Pioneer Martyrs.--Wave over Wave. 182

  CHAPTER XIV.

  Uncommonly Common Schools.--Annual School District Meeting.--Accounts for Contingent Expenses.--Turtle and Old Gulick's Boy.--"That are Glass."--The Colonel starts the Wheels again.--Bulliphant's Tactics.--Have we hired "Deacon Fluett's Darter," or not?--Isabel Strickett.--Bunker Hill and Turkey.--Sah-Jane Beagles.--The Question settled. 190

  CHAPTER XV.

  Venison Styles again.--Sermon on Nature.--Funeral Songs of the Birds.--Their Flight and Return.--His Theory of Government.--Sakoset.--The Indians. 198

  CHAPTER XVI.

  Some Account of John Smith.--Nicknames.--Progress of the Age.--The Colonel's Opinion of Science.--John Smith's Dream.--Ike Turtle's Dream.--Ike takes the Boots. 206

  CHAPTER XVII.

  Ike Turtle in his Office.--The Author consults him on Point of Law.--Taxes of Non-Residents.--Law in Puddleford.--Mr. Bridget's Case.--Legal Discussion.--The Case settled. 222

  CHAPTER XVIII.

  The Wilderness around Puddleford.--The Rivers and the Forests.--Suggestions of Old Times.--Footprints of the Jesuits.--Vine-covered Mounds.--Visit to the Forest.--The Early Frost.--The Forest Clock.--The Woodland Harvest.--The Last Flowers.--Nature sowing her Seed.--The Squirrel in the Hickory.--Pigeons, their Ways and their Haunts.--The Butterflies and the Bullfrog.--Nature and her Sermons.--Her Temple still open, but the High-priest gone. 230

  CHAPTER XIX.

  The Old New England Home.--The Sheltered Village.--The Ancient Buildings.--Dormer Windows.--An Old Puritanical Home.--The Old Puritan Church.--The Burying-Ground.--Deacon Smith, his Habits and his Helpers.--Major Simeon Giles, his Mansion and his Ancestry.--Old Doctor Styles.--Crapo Jackson, the Sexton.--"Training Days."--Militia Dignitaries.--Major Boles.--Major General Peabody.--Preparations and Achievements.--Demolition of an Apple Cart.--"Shoulder Arms!"--Colonel Asher Peabody.--The Boys, and their World.--My Last Look at my Native Village. 239

  CHAPTER XX.

  First Militia Law in Puddleford.--Aunt Sonora opposed to it.--Turtle sets her right.--Meeting to choose Officers.--Longbow electioneers for Captain: takes the Chair.--Turtle objects.--P'ints of Order.--_Vivy Vocy_ Vote won't do.--Legally authorized Boxes must be had.--Longbow's Speech.--Turtle fined for Contempt.--Longbow elected Captain.--Great Military Turn-out.--Company turn a Circle; Break down.--Turn an Angle; Break down again.--Address to Troops.--Adjou
rn _sine die_. 256

  CHAPTER XXI.

  Mrs. Bird gets in a Rage.--Starve a Child.--Mrs. Bird blows off at Mrs. Beagle.--Takes Breath.--Blows off again.--Mrs. Beagle gives a Piece of her Mind.--Aunt Sonora drops in.--She has no Faith in Second Wives.--All adjourn to the House of Mrs. Swipes.--General Fight of Tongues.--Mrs. Swipes gives her Opinion.--A Dead Set by all upon Mrs. Longbow.--Mrs. Longbow raps at the Door.--The Scene changes.--Final Wind-up. 272

  CHAPTER XXII.

  Appeal of Case Filkins _vs._ Beadle.--Turtle's Affidavit and "P'ints."--Longbow's Return.--County Court.--Turtle opens his Law "P'ints."--Bates replies.--A Fight.--Collateral Ish-ers.--Squire Longbow present.--The Court sustains Squire Longbow.--Turtle gets into a Passion.--Impanelling the Jury.--Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.--Mr. Tumbleton upsets Ike.--Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.--Ike opens to the Jury.--The Trial.--Charge of the Court.--Jury retire.--Can't agree. 284

  CHAPTER XXIII.

  Amusements in Puddleford.--The Highland Fling.--A Fire-eater comes next.--Runs a Sword down his Throat.--Starts his Ribbon Factory.--Borrows Squire Longbow's Hat.--Boils Eggs in it.--The Squire gets into a Passion.--The Grand Caravan is posted.--Squire Longbow lectures on the Lion.--Bigelow Van Slyck follows on the Ichneumon.--The Caravan arrives.--Great Excitement.--Jim Buzzard still himself.--Aunt Sonora in Trouble.--The Band blows away.--The Canvas is raised.--Terrible Press of Puddlefordians.--The Keeper shows up the Lion.--Explains why he has no Hair.--The Ichneumon is found at last.--The Monkey Ride.--Breaking up. 309

  CHAPTER XXIV.

  The Tinkhams arrive.--Great Stir.--Miss Lavinia Longbow's Head is turned.--Everybody in Love with the Tinkhams.--Wind changes.--The Tinkhams fall.--The whole Pack out on them.--They abandon the Settlement. 337

  CHAPTER XXV.

  And still New England.--Sui Generis.--Her Ruggedness the Soil of Liberty.--The Contrast.--The New England Conservative.--The New England Man of Business.--The West has no Past.--_Fast_, and Hospitable.--Saxon Blood and Saxon Spirit. 346

  CHAPTER XXVI.

  Spring at the West.--"Sugar Days."--Performances of the Cattle.--April.--Advent of the Blue-Jays and the Crows.--The Bluebirds, Phebes, and Robins.--April and its Inspiring Days.--The Frogs and their Concerts.--Gophers, Squirrels, Ants; Swallows, Brown-Threshers, and Blackbirds.--The Swallows, the Martins, and the Advent of May. 357

  CHAPTER XXVII.

  A Railroad through Puddleford.--The Effect on Squire Longbow.--Bright Prospects of Puddleford.--Change.--"The Styleses."--The New Justice.--Aunt Sonora's Opinions.--Ike Turtle grows too.--Venison disappears from among Men.--His Grave and his Epitaph. 368

  CHAPTER XXVIII.

  CONCLUSION.--The Philosophy of Puddleford.--Diverse Elements in Pioneer Life.--Longbow and his Administration.--Not Expensive.--Two Hundred a Year, all told.--What would Chief Justice Marshall have done as Justice of Puddleford?--Longbow a great Man.--Fame and Politics.--Ike, a Wheel.--Puddleford Theology.--Camp-Meetings.--Who will do Bigelow's Work better than Bigelow?--Great Happiness, and few Nerves.--No "Society."--No Fashion in Clothes, or anything else.--Bull's-Eye and Pinchbeck.--The Great Trade didn't "Come Off."--Abounding Charity and Hospitality.--Pilgrim Blood.--Longbow's.--Planting the _Mud-Sills_.--Old Associations, how Controlling!--Good by, Reader. 372

  THE PUDDLEFORD PAPERS.